2015
Newsletter

From the Guisto Family
of Asbury Village

Tom represents Obama in Paris

A political firestorm hit the White House because the President did not attend a unity rally in Paris after the deadliest terror attack in decades there. Prime Minister David Cameron, French President Francois Hollande, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and other world leaders did attend the Paris event.

The President attends a teleconference.

White House aides countered that President Obama did sent a high profile official and confidant (Tom). The White House added that the President had to attend a very important conference.

Tom becomes the Patriots ball boy

Because of Tom’s knowledge and skill in handling balls, the New England Patriots selected him to be their ball boy. When it was discovered that some of the balls were deflated and that Tom had taken them to a bathroom stall, Tom was summary suspended for four games.

Tom’s Selfie Sketch

Tom challenged the suspension in court. Since cameras were forbidden in the courtroom, Tom drew a selfie. Tom’s suspension was lifted, and Tom was free to handle the balls unfettered for the full season.

Tom is Left Shark

After the Left Shark’s alleged poor performance during the Super Bowl XLIX Katy Perry’s halftime show, Tom admitted that he was Left Shark. However Tom states that Katy and Right Shark just couldn’t keep up with his precise dance moves. Tom offered to be Katy’s choreographer to help her future career. He also made the same offer to Taylor Swift. Katy was not amused.

Sharknado Vs Tomnado

Sharks around the world were not pleased with Tom’s impersonation of sharks, and decided to seek their revenge during one of Tom’s visits to New York City. However, once Tom was armed with a New York Fire Department chainsaw, the sharks did not stand a chance.

Tom runs with the bulls again - the bulls win again!

Even thought he hasn’t done well the past several years, Tom decided to run again. However the results were the same. Luckily Tom wasn’t gored (or de-pants) this year, but he did meet the bull head-on!

Tom gives thumbs up to his fans!

To the cheers from his many fans, Tom gave a big thumbs up!

Total score:
BULLS – 3, TOM – 0!

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn selects Tom

Kaitlyn said that she selected Tom over the other bachelors because she found his Navy stories so “fascinating!”

Tom tells another Navy story!

Kaitlyn added that they spent their night of intimacy with Tom telling one Navy story after another. But it was only after she found out that Tom lives in a retirement community with a meal plan that Kaitlyn decided to give Tom the rose.

Tom runs for mayor of Asbury Village
on the Tea Party ticket

Tom started off his campaign by calling all Asbury Village veterans who got shot in war as “Losers!” Tom went up 15% in the polls. Tom then called those not supporting him as “Losers and Haters!” Tom went up 25% in the polls. Tom then called all residents of Asbury Village “Losers, Haters, and Dumb!” Tom went up 35% in the polls. Tom then attacked the handicapped by saying they were receiving too much support and assistance. Tom promised, if elected, he would takeaway their parking privileges and cancel the handicapped bus service. Tom went up 50% in the polls.

Tom signs the Pledge!

Tom celebrated by addressing a cheering crowd of supporters, “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it!” Tom became the prohibitive favorite to become the next mayor. When his loyalty to the Tea Party was questioned, Tom signed a pledge. However when Tom found out what the mayor’s salary was, Tom dropped out of the running. Tom ended his campaign by calling the new mayor of Asbury Village a “Loser!” for accepting.

Tom’s so vain, he knew that the song was about him!

Carly Simon finally revealed who inspired her hit song “You're So Vain.” The singer-songwriter said the song is about the one and only Tom. “Tom thinks Everything is about him,” Simon said.

Tom’s looking forward to a Great 2016

Tom and his true love

The Guisto family of Asbury Village
wishes everybody a
Happy and Healthful 2016!

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