2016
Newsletter

From the Guisto Family
of Asbury Village

El Cheapo (AKA Tom) Meets
With Sean Penn

When Sean Penn heard about Tom and his Navy stories,

Tom and “close” friend Kate

Sean became interested in producing and starring in a movie about Tom’s exciting life. Tom’s “close” friend, Kate del Castillo, arranged a meeting between Sean and Tom. During the meeting Sean admired Tom’s beautiful shirt. Without hesitation Tom gave Sean the shirt off his back.

The shirt off his front.

 Tom earned the nickname “El Cheapo” because he is known to leave 8˝% tips at IHOP.

Tom Becomes a Panda Hugger

When Tom found out that he could earn $32,000 per year hugging pandas, he applied for the job; even thought he is not a fan of cuddling. As a panda hugger, Tom would also monitor, feed and clean the pandas. During the first day of orientation training Tom found out that he would have to work 365 days per year, plus cleanup panda poop. Tom quit before the morning break.

Tom Tries the New Sport of
Bull Fighting with Babies

When Tom heard about the new sport of Bull Fighting With Babies, he went to Mexico to try his hand. Tom paid his 5 pesos and went several rounds with the bulls.

Tom and rent-a-baby #2

Even though Tom enjoyed the “Blood and Sand” of Bullfighting, he didn’t relish changing baby diapers. Tom says that baby poop is worse than panda poop.

Tom Becomes a Leg Surveyor

When Tom discovered that ladies were competing for the longest legs contest, he realized that someone had to measure them.

On-the-job intensive training

Tom quickly enrolled for an online Leg Surveyor Certification program. Once certified, Tom completed 10 hours of intense on-the-job training, before becoming a man-on-the-street Leg Surveyor.

Tom’s first $10

As a Surveyor, Tom charges $5.00 per leg. Tom is considering becoming a surveyor of other body parts.

Tom Meets Lady Mary

Tom took a tour of Downton Abbey, where he became the prime interest of Lady Mary. Tom was invited to spend the weekend as her guest.

Lady Mary was not amused by Tom’s popularity with the ladies.

Lady Mary planned days filled with horseback riding, grouse hunting, and fly-fishing. When Tom asked about the nights, Lady Mary just smiled. At teatime Tom was the center of attention. The British ladies were attracted to Tom and his many Navy tales of derring-do. Lady Mary did not approve and sent the ladies home so she could be alone with Tom.

Most lovers did not last the weekend with Lady Mary.

However Tom remembered that Lady Mary’s lovers usually kicked the bucket well before retirement age. Tom went home to the safety of Asbury Village before evening supper.

The Most Interesting Man in Asbury Village

“I don't always drink gin. But when I do, I prefer Beefeater.”

He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits. Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels. When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls. His shadow has been on the “best dressed” list twice. When in Rome, they do as HE does. If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume. He is considered a national treasure in countries he has never visited. He lives vicariously through himself.

“Stay thirsty, my friends.”

On every country in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. Cuba imports cigars from him. In museums, he is allowed to touch the art. His business card simply says, “I’ll call you.” He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks. He tips an astonishing 8˝%.

Tom Chases the Bulls

Over the last several years Tom hasn’t done well running with the bulls.

Bull trying to de-leaf Tom.

This year Tom decided to run from behind, figuring that from the rear the bulls will never catch him and perhaps not even see him. Tom didn’t imagine that bulls would turn around. Unfortunately for Tom, he was charged by a bull that was skilled in de-clothing runners. Luckily for Tom he found a fig leaf just in time.

Tom Is Selected to Play Indy!

When Steven Spielberg realized that Harrison Ford was now too young to play Indy in the new movie, Spielberg turned to Tom to play the part. Spielberg believes that Tom is extremely mature and the right age to play the action hero.

Indiana Tom and the Valley of Doomed Walkers

As always Tom will perform all his own stunts, which may include walking up stairs when an escalator or elevator is not available. The movie “Indiana Tom and the Valley of Doomed Walkers” will open on July 19, 2019, a week earlier in retirement communities.

Indiana Tom Hates Walkers

Trump Considers Tom as His Running Mate

Trump selected Tom as his running mate because he wanted to shore up the Conservative base of the Republican Party.

Tom’s sex appeal will attract women voters

Tom would also add well-needed seriousness to the Trump campaign. But above all Tom was selected because of his sex appeal, which is necessary to attract women voters. But when The Donald learned that Tom had been linked romantically to all his wives plus all his daughters, Mr. Trump fired Tom.

Tom had been linked romantically to all of Trump’s wives! Sometimes at the same time!

Tom Wins Gold at Senior Olympics

Tom won gold medals in Aqua Exercises and Weight Machine Exercises at the Senior Olympics.

Tom gives death stare to his closest rival and hated nemesis

In the water Tom won in the Rocking Horse, Cross-Country, and Jumping Jack events. In the gym Tom won the Treadmill, Bicycle, and Rowing events. Tom used his well-known death stare to defeat his closest rival, an 88 year-old handicapped woman using a walker. When Tom’s nemesis was about to win the Treadmill event, Tom hurdled himself to the finish line.

Tom dives to win treadmill dash!

Oops! He Did It Again!

Tom once again was caught sexting, this time to an alleged “divorcee.” Tom once again stated that he could not say with “certitude” that the

Tom with a chick magnet

photographs were of him, nor that the “divorcee” was actually divorced. But Tom does say with certitude that children are “chick magnets.” Tom once again apologized to his family, friends, and the Tea Party, and promised to go to rehab for a weekend to cure his sexting addiction.

Tom Goes On Dancing With The Stars

Tom, in order to redeem himself for his late-night antics at the Olympics and his mishaps on the political trail, decided to compete again on Dancing with the Stars. Tom not only showed off his fancy footwork, but also illustrated how to use your hands on the dance floor.

Tom shows off his fancy hand work on DWTS!

Tom Runs for Mayor of Asbury Village

When Tom learned that Asbury Village council meetings included free donuts, Tom decided to run for mayor. However, during the campaign many women came forward alleging that Tom groped them. Tom replied with certitude that “they are ungropeable and I never groped an ugly women in my life!”

Tom’s alleged gropee’s

An audiotape was also released where Tom was using “locker-room language” outside of a locker-room. In fact it was in Hollywood, where the nation looks to for its moral guidance! Tom further explained that he was just discussing an episode of “2 Broke Girls.”

The Clintons Move in With Tom

When the Clintons left the White House in January 2001, they were “not only dead broke, but in debt.” Hillary claims that they “had no money when we got there, and we struggled to piece together the resources for mortgages for houses, for Chelsea’s education. It was not easy. Bill has worked really hard. And it’s been amazing to me.

Tom and Chelsea at Montgomery College

He’s worked very hard.” When Tom found this out, he invited the Clintons to stay at his townhouse on Pontiac Way. The Clintons were happy to receive Tom’s support. During their stay Tom showed Hillary his email configuration, which used a personal server that Tom kept in his basement bathroom. Tom also showed Hillary how to wipe a computer clean using a cloth. Also Chelsea was able to start college, going to school with Tom at Montgomery community college. It took a few months for the Clintons to get on their feet because Bill and Hillary were only able to earn a half-million to a million dollars per speech.

Tom’s looking forward to a Great 2017

Tom and his True Love

The Guisto family of Asbury Village
wishes everybody a
Happy and Healthful 2017!

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