2018
Newsletter
From the Guisto Family
of Asbury Village
Oops! Tom Does It Again!
Tom, who is always looking for ways to serve the people (and make an extra buck), applied for a job at the Hawaii National Guard. Since they were impressed with Tom’s Navy stories of making the world safe from the Viet Cong, they hired him.
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The alarm Tom accidently sent out |
On his first day, Tom came to work full of enthusiasm and a Starbucks Venti Java Chip Frappuccino Blended Coffee. When Tom sat down at his computerized control command center, he placed his Venti Frappuccino on the big red coffee holder. To Tom’s surprise it wasn’t a cup holder, but a big red alarm button! Tom immediately sent a “false alarm” message to cancel the alert, however he sent it in Morse Code, which he used when he was in the Navy. And as they say, the rest is fake news! Tom was “reassigned.”
Tom Says, “Supersize Me!”
When Tom heard the news circulating earlier this year over the Internet about a new way to help grow hair by eating McDonald’s French fries, Tom went on the Supersize Diet. Apparently a form of silicone called “dimethylpolysiloxane” that is used in the frying oil at McDonald’s stimulates hair growth. Tom now orders all his fries with extra dimethylpolysiloxane. The results were immediate and, as you can see, supersized!
Morning Tom!
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It all ended with Tom’s comment: “Nice Legs, Mika!” |
Because of Tom’s in-dept knowledge of virtually every topic, Tom was asked to appear on Morning Joe. His expert analysis, sex appeal, and (of course) his Navy stories, soon made Tom a popular panelist.
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A love triangle on and off the set! |
Since MSNBC’s ratings increased many fold, Tom was soon made a co-anchor. As we know “All co-anchors are equal, but some co-anchors are more equal than others,” Tom replaced Joe in the hearts of the audience and also in Mika’s. This lasted until Tom commented that Mika had nice legs. Mika considered this sexual harassment and joined the #MeToo movement. Tom lost all support, even the President’s. The Donald tweeted, “Tom is wrong, Mika does NOT have nice legs!”
Tom Grabs an Oscar!
Even though Tom was Blacklisted from attending the Oscars this year because of “The Incident” last year, Tom was able to attend several afterparties.
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Tom denies stalking Oscar winners! |
While at the Governors Ball Tom picked up an Oscar.
Tom Steps in to Save a Royal Wedding!
Tom stepped in and made a great Father of the Bride!
When Tom rejected Meghan’s proposal, it was because Tom did not want to give up his bachelorhood and the Asbury Village lifestyle. Tom did not like the Hollywood life of wine, women, and song; so he and Meg parted company, but remained good friends.
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Tom was happy to help out an old flame |
When Meg asked Tom to walk her down the aisle, he gladly accepted. But Tom did ask Meg, now that she is the Duchess of Sussex, would that make him an Earl or something? Tom would really like to be the Earl of Greenpoint to honor his roots and impress the ladies of Asbury Village. Tom is still waiting for an answer from his good friend Duchess Meg!
Mr. America
There He Is, Mr. America!
When Tom found out that the Mr. America pageant will no longer judge men on their physical appearance, he decided to compete. Tom is happy that they finally stop objectifying men by forcing them to strut across a stage in bikini-briefs.
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Causual Friday SuperTom |
The pageant redefined the evening wear portion of the event, so that contestants can wear whatever kind of outfit they want (see above). Also Tom’s Casual Friday look is a big hit with the ladies of Asbury Village. The candidates will no longer be judged on how they look, but on the self-confidence they exude and what they say. Obviously Tom oozes hubris and spouts humbug and is a natural winner. Apparently, the pageant is now a cross between an oral IQ test and an episode of Jeopardy. We all know that Tom is a smarty-pants. In addition, he will also sweep the Jeopardy board on the subjects on the Navy, Buffy, snails; and under Donald J. Trump, Tom’s Questions on all Answers are “What is Fake News?!”
People’s Sexiest Man Alive!
Almost!
Voted most sponge-worthy by the ladies of Asbury Village
The people of People voted for the Sexiest Man Alive and on election night Tom had a comfortable lead of over 80,000 votes. However, a week month after the election, Broward County finally submitted their ballot count. Yada yada yada. Tom lost by 10,000. Ever since Tom keeps mumbling, “Serenity Now! Serenity Now!”
Tom Runs with Seniors & Bulls!
Tom (Far Right) joins other seniors from Asbury Village to run with the bulls
Tom’s tales of derring-do in Spain impressed the denizens of Asbury Village. This year many of the residents joined Tom to run stroll with the bulls. While the other Villagers quickly left for the early bird special, Tom continued his battle with the bulls.
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Even with a horn up his butt, Tom is able to spot a camera! |
However, Tom suffered another lost to the bulls.
Total Score to Date:
Bulls - 7, Tom - 0
Tom Runs for Asbury Village Mayor!
Trump gives Tom a (tiny) hand!
Tom was in a tight rest for mayor of Asbury Village, but with the help of President Trump, Tom became a prohibited favorite. Tom ran on Village security calling for replacing the gated community with a walled community. Tom proclaimed that a wall is needed to keep out undocumented grandchildren.
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Cinnamon raisin bagel with lox, red onions,
capers, tomato, and plain cream cheese |
Tom was gliding to an easy victory until he was sighted eating a cinnamon raisin bagel with lox, red onions, capers, tomato, and plain cream cheese! Tom quickly lost the New Yorker vote, closely followed by the grandmother and great-grandmother vote. These mothers confided that they no longer considered Tom a manly man because a cinnamon raisin bagel is definitely a womanly woman (formerly known as girly girl) Sex in the City bagel.
Tom’s looking forward to a Great 2019
Tom and his True Love
The Guisto family of Asbury Village
wishes everybody a
Happy and Healthful 2019!
Return to Tom’s World
