During an interview for the “Village Life,” the Asbury Village newspaper, Tom says that he wants someone to “Step Up” and date him. “I’ve been single for decades, it’s not a long shot. Somebody just needs to step up,” he said. “I’m shockingly available.” Tom adds that his good friend Charlize Theron has the same dilemma and hopes that she will soon find someone with a “pair.” Once the residents of Asbury found out that Tom was “shockingly available,” they contacted their granddaughters with the news. Tom no longer has solitary date nights at Asbury!
 |
Tom: Tell me somethin’ girl;
Are you happy in this modern world?
Lady Gaga: I’ll tell you sometin’ boy;
Never! Never! Call me girl!
’Cause I’m a lady!
 |
It is very apparent that Lady Gaga is gaga over Tom, but what superstar wouldn’t be? Even though she has “dated” many celebrities with sex appeal (such as: Christian Carino, Taylor Kinney, Luc Carl, Dada Williams, Speedy, 8Bit, and even Angelina Jolie), Tom is her current crush.
 |
Tom is a big hit on the Red Carpet |
Tom, in his own right, has also “dated” (at least in his own mind) many sexy stars such as Cameron Diaz, Gisele, Miley Cyrus, Lady Mary, Princesses Kate and Meg, all of the Trump’s wives, and (of course) Buffy. But as we all know, undying love (or in this case, gaga) sometimes dies! We are all anxiously following Tom’s love life to see who the next fortunate, sexy, young lady would be.
Tom Returns to School!
 |
|
Tom rows his way to USC! |
Tom worked very hard to get into USC on a sports scholarship. First, he impressed the coaches on his rowing technique and stamina. He is by far the best rower on the Asbury Village Rowing Club. Tom submitted many photographs to USC to prove his rowing prowess. Second, Tom scored extremely high on the SAT, but we all know how smart he is!
 |
Tom scores high on the SAT! |
Taking the SAT was such an enjoyable experience, Tom decided to tip the proctor for providing such excellent service. |
During spring break,
Tom meets his rowing
teammate’s mother |
On attending USC, Tom doesn’t know how much of school he’s gonna attend. But Tom’s gonna go in and talk to his deans and everyone, and hope that he can try and balance it all. But Tom does want the experience of like game days, partying… Tom doesn’t really care about school, as you guys all know. On a completely separate matter, Tom has started a GoFundMe site to help pay for some incidentals. These incidentals may include admissions consultants, coaches, proctors, deans, lawyers, bartenders, etc. Tom says that all these professional experts are required to obtain a higher education in the 21st Century.
Tom’s In It!
 |
|
Vanity Tom! |
Once Tom decided to be “in it” he realized that he needed a nickname to help him connect with the common people. But all of the more colorful nicknames were already taken, such as: Pocahontas, Lyin’, Sleepy, Crazy, Low Energy, Crooked, Slimeball, Low-IQ, Hightax, Lightweight, Wacky, Pencil Neck, Cryin’, Rocket Man, Sloppy, Dopey, Dumb as a Rock, Lowlife, and Not the Brightest Light Bulb.
 |
Tomáš promises free healthcare, free college education, and free beer! |
Tom decided that a name that would bond with a specific voter group would be most beneficial, but Beto, for the Hispanic voters, was already taken. Tom decided on “Tomáš” in order to grab up the Czech-American vote. Now that this important issue has been decided, Tomáš is forming several focus groups to determine what he believes in. Until the focus groups inform Tomáš on what he thinks, he will continue to campaign on his promises of free stuff. To fill in the rest of the time during his meet-and-greets, Tomáš will continue telling his many, many Navy stories. However, if “Tomáš” does not catch on, Tom may just go with “Extremely Stable Genius.”  |
If a politician falls in a bar, will anyone hear him? |
Tom Naviagates British Airways!
 |
On his first (and last) flight, Tom gets distracted |
Tom, always searching for a quick Buck (or in this case a quick Quid), obtained a position as Navigator with British Airways.
 |
Tom’s old Navy sextant |
On his first flight Tom brought his old Navy sextant. When Tom could not find the mount in the fuselage for the sextant, he asked the pilot where he can stick-it. Unfortunately, the pilot told him. It sounded worse with an English accent!  |
Tom ends his career as navigator with a 525-mile mistake! |
Tom was told that all he had to do was put the destination into the satellite navigation system and the GPS would guide the aircraft. However, Tom was momentarily sidetracked, and confused the latitude with the longitude. In addition, apparently the pilots did not know a heading of north-northwest would take them to Edinburgh, Scotland, NOT east to Dusseldorf, Germany. As punishment, Tom forfeited his in-flight meal and performed community service – one day in Edinburgh and one day in Dusseldorf. All charges against Tom were dropped and the files sealed by a judge in Chicago.
A Whiff of Scandal
 |
Tom gets it!
He promises from now on to sniff ladies’ hair
only when appropriate! |
Tom admits that, “Social norms have begun to change; they have shifted. The boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset and I get it! I get it!” Tom maintains that he is from a generation filled with other creepy, old, white guys who appreciated a good sniff of a lady’s hair or a wholesome nuzzle, nose to nose.
 |
Tom likes to connect with ladies
nose to nose! |
“It’s the way I’ve always been. It’s the way I’ve tried to show I care about them and I’m listening.” But Tom says he understands times have changed and so should his behavior. “I get it! I get it! I hear what they’re saying. I understand. I’ll be much more mindful.” Tom concludes that he will only smell a lady’s hair or nestle a nose is with her consent, or if she flaunts a friendly go-ahead smile. Resolutely, Tom states, “I get it! I get it!” Tom also announced that 14 heads of state from around the world voiced their concerns to him about a President Joe Biden. Tom states that list includes Margaret Thatcher, Charles de Gaulle, Ho Chi Minh, and Benito Mussolini, to name a few.
Tom Runs with the Bulls Again!
Tom Shows Great Form Sailing Over the Bull!
This year Tom changed his strategy to avoid being gored by the bulls. Tom showed great form by flying over the bull; however, when he tried to nail the landing the bull nailed him.
 |
The Bull Nails Tom’s Landing! |
Alas, Tom continues being thrashed by the bulls.
Total Score to Date:
Bulls - 8, Tom - 0
People’s Sexiest Man Alive!
A Legend in His Own Mine!
The people of People voted Tom the Sexiest Man Alive. Tom beat out legends of sexy men. Tom is considered a sex legend by the ladies of Asbury Village. The ladies continually vote Tom the sexiest man in the water aerobics class – mainly because he is the only male in the pool.
Tom Runs for Asbury Village Mayor
on a Anti-Violence Platform!
Tom Gets in Fighting Shape to Battle Violence!
During the Tea Party primary debate Tom took a hard-hitting stand to combat violence in our society. Tom said, “So we have to just change the culture, period, and keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it. No, I really mean it.”
 |
Tom the Tea Party Candidate |
Tom continued, “No person has a right to raise a hand to another person in anger other than in self-defense, and that rarely ever occurs.” After a thoughtful interlude Tom added that “violence would also be appropriate in mutually agreed upon behavior such as, spanking, caning, punishing, bondage, and other activities that may be covered under BDSM.” However, Tom did recommend that a “Safe Word be established but rarely used to ensure the full pleasure of pain.” Tom easily won the debate and, with the master/slave voters solidly behind him, is the favorite to win the election next November.
Tom is looking forward to a Great 2020
Tom and his True Love
The Guisto family of Asbury Village
wishes everybody a
Happy and Healthful 2020!
Return to Tom’s World
